Monday, March 06, 2006

Flippin' Bitches

The other night, my housemates and I partook in a long-awaited trip to the local Jack in the Box to fulfill our desires for a scrumptious midnight snack. We had been planning this major event for the past few hours as we drooled over mental images of French toast sticks and greasy 99-cent tacos created by that round-headed man we all bow down to. Only one factor held us back from immediate relief—we had to await the return of the last member of our hungry bunch. Finally, after what felt like hours upon hours, he walked in the door, and immediately we turned him around to head back out. Finally! Jack, we’re coming for you!

The city of Goleta obviously did not plan the streets surrounding Jack’s fine establishment for heavy usage by hungry college students. The should-be-simple task of maneuvering through the gritty and painful K-Mart parking lot to the drive-thru and then out back to Isla Vista requires an unnecessary number of dangerous vehicular maneuvers, one being known as the infamous and dreaded “U-turn.”

Fortunately, to ease the pain, I drive a compact and “efficient” piece of metal, known to some as the faded-red 1996 Toyota Corolla with the huge dent in the door (welcome to parking in IV). The car really has treated me well… it just keeps going, and going, and going… man, I wish it would just DIE! Oh well—this tiny Japanese marvel of engineering excels in areas that other shiny new cars do not. It has the capability of making breathtaking U-turns that those gas-guzzling SUVs can only dream of. Oh yes, and it gets decent mileage, very useful for saving a few cents which I can later spend at Jack in the Box.

As I head out of the parking lot, turning left onto the street upon which I will have to demonstrate my U-turn-making skill, one of my housemates yells out “go flip-a-bitch ahead!” Having been born and raised in a typical suburb full of others my own age, I know the term “flip-a-bitch” particularly well. However, at the moment in time my roommate articulated the chosen expression, my analytical mind sprang to life, wondering, “Who the hell thought of such a meaningless expression?”

Think about it, just for a minute or two. “Flip a bitch.” It can mean, with the addition of “off,” give some girl you despise the finger. It also can mean, literally, flip a bitch. But, really, what DOES that mean? Take a female dog and flip it around? In the air? On a stick? Right… maybe a bit far fetched. And besides, the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty for Animals (yes, it exists, I found it on Google) might hunt you down for that obscene behavior.

The most memorable part of our discussion on flipping a bitch came about when I conjured up an image (in my mind, of course) of those damned “No U-Turn” signs being replaced with plaques stating “No Bitches.” Now wouldn’t that make for some entertaining driving adventures? I’ll leave the graphical interpretation up to the artists, as the typical “U” crossed off with a red circular “No” sign would also need replacing. So, a sign with a dog (or your ex-girlfriend) in black, with a red circle-with-slash over it, above the text “No Bitches” would grace our beloved intersections. But, now, what happens to those unfortunate souls who have never heard the term? I’m sure they exist… just ask your grandparents or one of your older tenured professors.

According to a Q&A website I came upon while Googling “flip-a-bitch,” the creative word concoction is generally heard only in California and Boston. However, other variations do exist: “hang a Ulysses,” “hang a U-ie,” and “whip a U-ie,” just to name a few. Of course, we in California are always the best. But think of the possibilities: “hang a bitch.” Now wouldn’t that be something… what better way to release some anger than hanging a bitch? All we have to do now is lobby the state to convert the signs and teach some classes informing the uninformed of the changes. Any volunteers?